Sunday, February 19, 2006

A Review of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans

You've probably seen these Harry Potter inspired Jelly Bellys "Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans." I was in World Market and for $5 they had a box of 10 flavors to try but essentially were the gross ones. I've spent $5 on worse stuff and since I've been inspired by Candy Addict's reviews I thought I would try my own.

Prognosis: I don't make a good tester.

Now honestly I've seen these around for a few years and just assumed the flavors were put-ons. Sure they may claim to be vomit-flavored but I just assumed there would be some unremarkable taste instead.

Boy was I wrong!
The flavors included in the box are: Earwax, Booger, Bacon, Black Pepper, Vomit, Dirt, Soap, Rotten Egg, Grass, Earthworm. There is also a Spinach, Sardine and Spagetti-flavored ones but they were not included in my box set.

Soap: Sweet, sort of a nothing flavor but there is a faint after taste of something that could be called “soapy.” Almost like tasting the smell of Tide.

Grass: Doesn’t taste like much. Just sweet. Some people have noted it does taste a little like grass, but I didn't taste the flavor.

Pepper: Definite “pepper” taste that’s pretty unmistakable. Not hard to eat but not particularly pleasant. Flavor sticks around a particular while. I ended up having to drink some milk to get rid of the taste in my mouth.

Bacon: A really bizarre combo. There is a definite “bacony” flavor that is sort of like eating Bac-Ohs but coated in sugar. You know it’s artificial but your brain says “bacon-flavor.” First one I had to spit out. Also the taste is kind of long-lasting. Even after eating Dirt I can still taste the fake bacon flavor. Ewww.

Dirt: For some people this could almost be an edible flavor. Sort of reminded me of black licorice which is not a candy I enjoy. I don’t think the flavor for any of these candies comes from the gummy inside but the shell so as you bite down the first flavor is usually sugar and it take a while for your tongue to melt the shell and get the flavor. So is it “dirt?” It has earthy, dark taste which is why it makes me think of black licorice.

After reading other reviews of the rest of the flavors I gave up. I think I'm going to put the box on my desk and pay anyone $1 if they are willing to try the Vomit one.

Here is a really funny letter to Jelly Belly about this product written by an 83-year-old.

Candy is a sugary sacred treat. A reward, a prize. Something you can count on to satiate a craving. You're turning it into a sick game of Russian Roulette. I've played that game in a German prison camp in World War II after my battalion was captured, and girl, you don't want to go there. So please, for the sake of the children, please stop manufacturing this product. If that Harry Potter wasn't so damn popular, you'd never be able to find a reasonable excuse to wreak havoc on supermarket isles like this. J.K. Rowling is probably mortified that someone would turn her fiction into reality. You people are no more intelligent than a kid who emulates "Jackass" stunts and winds up in the hospital or (better yet)dead.
Read the rest of it...

UPDATE: Apparently I didn't look close enough. The letter is a joke written by a Hamphire graduate. Hampshire College! I should have known. Awfully clever people go there. My cousin went there...but also one of my nemesises did too.